How heavy is that bag you are carrying?

In the past 20 years I’ve mentored over 7000 men. These men all wanted to be better somehow for some reason, and their “why” had become big enough for them to act.

Many attempt change where they have failed before, but having an ally who goes on the journey with you allows you to move forward in a way you haven’t tried before.

One of my current clients – let’s call him “Phil” – is a warm, caring man; a 46 year old CEO with children aged 12, 10 and 8. If you saw him walking down George Street in the Sydney CBD you would think that he was thriving in life, but you’d be wrong. His wife has just asked for a divorce because for too long he has prioritised his relationship with his work over his relationship with his family, working 70 hour weeks, and she couldn’t take it anymore. Her love bank balance had eroded to the point where she no longer felt loved, so she had to act.

Why did this happen? What can we learn from the life experiences of 7000 men?

I don’t know it all but if you have the courage to read on, I share the journey that men must take to prevent ending up in “Phil’s” situation.

We all carry a bag around for most of each day. The bag is filled with rocks that each relate to a separate role and/ or responsibility that we choose to take on each day. For the minority of men who are fiscally impoverished, they have no choice, they have to carry certain rocks to keep themselves and/or their family clothed, fed, and sheltered. For these men it’s about survival. Most men, however, carry a bag of their own making – that is, they determine the type and number of rocks in their bag. The type and number of rocks they carry is determined by where they get their self-esteem. Men who were brought up to feel good about themselves by comparing themself to other men based on money, status and power, carry rocks that primarily relate to accruing more money, status and power. For these men most of what they do is unconscious – that is, they were conditioned to live this way by their father, mother, and greater culture. In the men’s wellness literature this is called intergenerational depression. Depression because for many thousands of men for many years, albeit unintentionally, their forefathers focused on accruing more money, status and power, to the detriment of their own wellness and loving relationships.

“In a healthy relationship to performance achievement is a labour of love that exists within the context of secure connection, not an act of grandiosity that takes the place of connection. The filtering of self worth and relational needs through the screen of performance leaves men vulnerable. Such men risk further alienation if they succeed and the threat of psychological breakdown if they fail.”

• Terrence Real

Performance based self-esteem and healthy self-esteem exist on a continuum that all men live on, and to thrive in life men and their sons must  be mentored in how to navigate this continuum.Unfortunately most men have never been mentored in this fundamental wisdom, which is why many thousands of men continue to prioritise their work above their own wellness and their loving relationships.

I vividly remember Phil sharing;

“When my wife asked me to work less over the past few years I didn’t listen because I remember Dad telling me when I was teenager that men must work hard, and Dad worked long hours, so I can now see that this is why I have been a workaholic for the past 20 years.”

Given the co-dependency of the big three life domains of self, relationships and work, we all have to be the master of all or we’re the master of none. Daily I mentor men to navigate a path to a better way of living; a path where they thrive in the areas that matter most.